Heads up: This blog post discusses mental health and suicide. It’s
not terribly graphic, but some people may find it hard to read. I have included
links to mental health resources in that segment.
As discussed in my first entry, I have some mental issues. I also
have some health issues that are (at the time of initial publishing of this
post) believed to be genetically linked. I realize, of course, that these
issues are not guaranteed to be
passed down to any offspring that I bear. I know that genetics don’t work that
way. However, it does mean that any offspring I produce has a higher likelihood
of having these conditions than if I did not. Some of them aren’t so bad, and
are, in fact, more of a nuisance than anything else. Ingrown toenails, for
example. But some of them are real doozies, and, well, fuck that. Here are some
of the (believed to be genetic) issues (that a board-certified physician has
diagnosed me with) for which I’ve received some kind of treatment:
- Bipolar disorder type II
- Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Asthma
- Cancer (in my case, basal cell carcinoma)
Now, these are just the things that I have personally had to
handle. The family history goes on and on, with appearances from heart defects,
gastro-type cancers, chronic depression, diabetes, hypertension, reproductive
cancers, stroke, and, oh wait, yeah, more cancer. Fuck cancer, man. This is in
no way an exhaustive list of the variety of genetically transmitted issues in
my family, and who knows what kind of genetic scratch-off ticket I’d get if I
decided to procreate? And frankly, I’m more attracted to people who are as
mentally fucked up as I am, so even if I managed to find someone who had little
or no cancerous family history, there’s a pretty good chance that I’d end up
with someone who shares my mantra that they don’t suffer from mental illness,
but take it out once in a while for some sushi and a nice bottle of Chardonnay.
Speaking of mental illness, let’s discuss the living hell that I have
struggled with since my youth. Or not, because nobody wants to experience that
shit. Seriously, I wouldn’t wish that on my ex, and I’d genuinely enjoy reenacting
the sequence from Game of Thrones in which Viserys Targaryen receives his very
special crown, with my ex playing the role of the Pauper King. (You get to
guess which ex! It’s an exciting new game!)
Now, my brother and I share genes, obviously, as we’re siblings.
So yes, there’s a fairly decent chance that his children may have some of the
same issues that I do. If that should come to pass, I will absolutely, without
the slightest hesitation, help him, his wife, and their children deal with it
in any way that I can. Likewise if any of my friends find that they’re in a
situation where they have children with depression, schizophrenia, or any other
mental disorder, I will absolutely step up to the plate and do whatever I can
to make their lives easier. Others who share some of the same issues have told me that they find
it quite helpful to have someone who can directly relate to their experiences
with whom they can casually converse. That godawful cycle of there’s-so-much-to-do-but-I’m-to-depressed-to-get-up-and-go-do-it-but-now-it’s-piling-up-into-an-incredibly-daunting-backlog-of-unfinished-tasks-that-I’m-getting-even-more-overwhelmed-and-depressed?
Yup, hundo percent feeling you on that one. Hell, I’ll even offer you a
suggestion on what has helped me deal with that in the past. It may not work
for you, but it’s something to consider.
Clearly, my issue is not with helping those in need of a shoulder
to lean on. My issue is the incredible amount of guilt stemming from the
distinct possibility that any child I create will have to suffer through all
that I did. There were several times in my life that I contemplated suicide,
and more than one occasion upon which I attempted it. (Sorry, fam, if you’re
just learning about this now.) There have been more times than I can count
that, while not actively contemplating suicide, I quietly wished that I would
simply not wake up after going to bed. It wasn’t that I was in such a bad state
that I wanted to die; I merely no longer had any will to live.
*****A tangent: This has been an ongoing part of my brain for as
long as I can remember. I came to the conclusion quite some time ago that I
couldn’t kill myself because of the pain that it would cause the people that
care about me. I may not feel that there are many of them, but the few that
there are would be devastated. And I value them so greatly that I couldn’t
possibly put them through that. Despite my feelings on the matter, I
understand why other people can and would feel hopeless enough to commit
suicide. I do not think that it’s the coward’s way out. I do not think less of
people who commit suicide. I do not think that they’re bad people. I think that
it’s tragic; nobody should ever have to feel that low. If you are feeling hopeless,
helpless, out of control, or like you are going to harm yourself or others, I
implore you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
(US), visit crisistextline.org to get help
via text message (US), call Suicide Action Montreal at 1-866-APPELLE (Canada,
French and English), visit www.suicide.org to find a
local suicide prevention line, or visit samaritans.org for help in
the UK.
Tangent over.*****
I do not want to have someone else’s mental anguish on my
conscience. It’s not ok for me. So my first reason for not wanting children is
genetics. My genes are a shitshow. Throw someone else’s into the mix, and we
could end up with anchovy and limburger soup with a side of aspartame-coated
durian. (Look it up.)
“But Kitty,” you protest, unsatisfied that I’m capable of making
reproductive decisions without your input, because clearly, I haven’t heard the
same arguments for the past decade. “There are other options! There’s donated
eggs! There’s adoption! There’s—“
Yes, reader. I’m ever-so-aware of the myriad other options. And some
of them will be addressed in the upcoming posts. Not all, because there’s more
to it than the manner in which I wish to…not…acquire children. But for now, genetics is the first reason in my decision not to reproduce.
As previously stated, if anyone has any questions, or any topics that they would
like to see tackled, please feel free to drop a comment. *Obligatory Medical Warning: This blog is not
intended to stand in for medical advice. If you are concerned about your
health, mental or physical, do not assume that this blog contains the most
accurate and up-to-date medical information. If you have concerns, see your
doctor. If you are in severe distress, call 911 or your local emergency number
and seek immediate assistance. I’m not a doctor, please don’t sue me because I
have opinions that you mistake for medical fact.*
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