Money

Let’s cut right to the chase here. Babies are expensive. Kids are expensive. Teenagers are expensive. I am expensive. I don’t even do all that much, and I’m super expensive. Ok, yes, I have a car (which comes with registration that needs to be renewed every 2 goddamn years [fuck you, New York State] and monthly payments [for another couple of months, anyway] and insurance), and credit card bills, and the extremely popular (read: completely bullshit) crippling student loan debt. Babies/children won’t have those. But you know what else babies don’t have?

Sphincter control. That includes sphincters that control vomiting, defecating, and urinating. That means you need diapers, wipes, ointment, powder, and multiple daily wardrobe changes. And a Diaper Genie, if you have any sense of olfactory preservation. And refills, baby safe hand sanitizer/surface cleaner/laundry detergent…

Confession time: I just went to the Babies R Us website and started making a fake registry. I was using their checklist to pick out things that were necessary. You know, like cribs, changing tables, mattresses, etc. I didn’t even get through the furniture segment, choosing the items that were as close to dead-center in price as possible, and I was already over $2000. That’s *just* furniture. That does not include bedding, clothing, diapers, formula/bottles/breastfeeding materials, toys, bath accessories, mobiles, safety items like gates and outlet covers, books, toy boxes, shelving, picture frames, pacifiers, stuffed animals, nursery décor, or the copious amounts of alcohol I’m going to need just thinking about all of this.

“Heeeeeeeey, Dr. Gyno, remember that time you said you wouldn’t take out my uterus just because I don’t want to use it? Is that still your official stance? Uhhuh. Malpractice to remove a healthy organ, you say? Even though I’m specifically requesting it? What if it wasn’t healthy? No, I know that every test I’ve had in the past 3 years has shown no signs of disease in my uterus, but…what if…you know…No, of course I’m not trying to bribe you! But, hypothetically, of course, what would it take to bribe you? H—hello? Doc? Hmm. Must have dropped the call…”

Seriously, every year of a child gets progressively more expensive. Assuming that both parents are working (and assuming that both parents are in the picture *to* be working), the child is going to need to be in some form of child care for at least a few hours a week. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have family that wants nothing more than to stay home and care for the kid, and has the means to do so. If so, you’re incredibly lucky and you should drop to your knees and thank them. Seriously, like a lot. Maybe you work in the kind of place that offers free or discounted child care. Maybe you are a child care provider. Stellar! If you’re one of those lucky few, then childcare costs aren’t an issue. But for the vast majority of the population, your options are a daycare center or a babysitter. And let’s face it, that shit can get dicey. There are some seriously unpleasant people who work in the childcare industry, and they’re really good at hiding. Don’t get me wrong; there are some AMAZING people in the childcare industry, too. My brother and I spent a lot of time with a family friend growing up, and she was an amazing woman (Hi, Joanne!) that we were super lucky to have. My nephew gets the blessing of having my best friend as his babysitter/non-genetic auntie. My neighbor takes care of two babies a couple of times a week. My brother and I also went to a local pre-school program that was run out of a church (but was not, to my recollection, religion-based in its teachings) that helped us develop people skills, friendships, and language skills. But not all programs are as reliable, and not everyone can afford to send their kids to the best places possible. And once kids hit school age, it just gets more expensive.

Even if your kids don’t go to a school that has a mandatory uniform, they have to be dressed, and preferably in a way that won’t get them mercilessly mocked by other kids. Maybe they want to join a club or a sport. Art clubs require supplies, music requires instruments and sometimes lessons, sports require specialized footwear and other protective gear, logic clubs require instruction and gaming materials (like chessboards), and gaming clubs require…gaming…stuff…(like polyhedral dice, card packs, board games, video game systems and the associated games, etc.). Then there’s lunch money, or bag lunches, field trips that both cost money and require pocket money for souvenirs, science fair projects that are always super involved (and that the parents pretty much always end up doing most of the work for anyway), dioramas, book fairs, teacher presents, class holiday celebrations that include mandatory class-wide gifts, crazy fads that your kid HAS to get in on or they’ll be the laughingstock of the whole fucking school, bake sales, and probably about a zillion other things that the school asks parents to shell out cash for. And then there’s the mandatory allowance so that you can occasionally send your little nerd child to the comic book shop mall with their little nerd friends to get them out of your hair for a couple of fucking hours so you can breathe socialize outside of school.

The USDA has a calculator that estimates the approximate cost of raising a child (or children) in any given general area. Just for craps and laughs, I filled it out for one child and one parent. And the amount came to over a quarter of my (frankly, laughable) pre-tax annual salary from my (previous) retail management job. That does not take into account the fact that one quarter of that same salary was already earmarked for mandatory bills (car insurance, car payment, college loans, etc.), and that *another* quarter went toward other necessities, like fuel, medication, health insurance, vehicle maintenance (like oil changes), and food. If I change that to a 2-parent household, assuming the other parent has about the same salary as I do, it becomes half of that salary. Well, fuck.

Look, I realize that there’s no such thing as being financially prepared to have a kid. Not in this economy, not unless you’re already independently wealthy. But I intensely dislike living on a shoestring. It’s just not fun, and the idea of having to sacrifice things that I like (such as delicious sushi, or new tech) because I decided to have a child is just not something that’s appealing to me.  Maybe that’s selfish. Or maybe it’s knowing what I like in life and refusing to compromise.

And that leads us to next week’s topic of lifestyle. It was originally going to be part of this week’s post, but it turns out that I can go on and on about the monetary requirements of children. As always, questions and comments are welcome. Till next time!